In honor of Honey Boo-Boo — virtual “High Six’s” for everyone!
Mailbag Monday has arrived.
Dear Nerdy Romantic,
This particular situation has happened 3 times now in the last year: I meet a guy online. His relationship status reads “Separated.” We exchange several emails in which he flat out says he and his ex are ‘totes over.’ They just haven’t filed the paperwork yet because (said one guy) ‘it’s too freaking expensive to get a divorce right now’ — OR — (said another) ‘they’re trying to ease their children into the transition.’
Then we meet in person and in the middle of our date, the truth comes out: he stills lives with his wife and they continue to carry on a sexual relationship.
When did online dating become the game “Bullshit” — the guy puts down a card and I have to guess whether he’s lying or not?
a Sucker Born
Okay “Sucker.” I will give you exactly 5 seconds to feel sorry for yourself. (Bum)
And then, you’re going to tear off your pity pajamas. (Bum-BUM-bum)
AND put on that iconic matching grey sweatsuit and black ski cap. (BUM-BUM-BUM-bum-bum-bum)
Training Is In Session. And you — my little light-weight — are now armed with the ultimate secret weapon: An Online Dating Dictionary. My own personal Sexicon compiled after months of sweat, blood and tears decoding the words and images in guys’ online dating profiles.
Breathe it, live it, be it. And in the end, you will be “crapping thunder” and going all 15 rounds with Apollo “King of Sting” Creed himself.
Nerdy Romantic’s Online Dating Dictionary
(This is a “LIVING” reference guide; meaning, it is ALWAYS open to new submissions.)
— “Numbers” —
(Favorite time of day) 4:20: TRANSLATION — The only jewelry I will ever give you is a pot-smoke-ring.
(Height) 5’5″ & below: TRANSLATION — True to form.(P.S. Peter Dinklage is all manaliciousness!)
5’11”: TRANSLATION — 5’6″ to 5’9″. You’re not fooling anyone
6′ & over: TRANSLATION — Tall glass o’ water.
35 & older male; seeking women between the ages of 18 and 24; no education: TRANSLATION — Strip-Club Owner.
(Income) $150,000 & above, yet on OK Cupid: TRANSLATION — Not denominated in “US” Dollars, but rather in “Zimbabwean” Dollars.
— “A” —
Actor in a lot of “indie” projects: TRANSLATION — In L.A., I worked the Craft Service table on movie sets.
Auto technician: TRANSLATION — Grease monkey
Avante Gartist: TRANSLATION — I use my monthly, mental-health benefit checks to buy macaroni-noodle supplies, etch-a-sketches, and tiny toe-nail clippers to prune the bonsai tree growing out of my bathtub.
— “B” —
(In profile picture) Bushy Gray Beard: Translation — If the guy is neither Kenny Rogers, Santa Claus, or the Gorton Fisherman, then he is definitely trying to hide something beneath his beard; most likely, a second family.
(Looking for a woman who is) Beautiful on the inside and out: TRANSLATION — She must have Donna Reid’s brain and Gisele Bundchen’s body.
(I like) Bipedal forward propulsion: TRANSLATION — I am Rain Man
(Favorite movie) Black Swan: TRANSLATION — Favorite movie: “Wild Things,” which I’m watching right now on my laptop for the 33rd time as I fill this section out on my iPhone.
Brooklyn is my favorite place on the entire planet: TRANSLATION — I lived in Williamsburg for 6 months before the city did to my ‘too-cool-for-school’ attitude what a Dementor does to a wizard’s soul.
— “C” —
Raised Catholic but not religious: TRANSLATION — The guilt rendered after 15 years of Sunday school is burnt so deeply into my subconscious that every second of sexual gratification I feel is forever marred by paranoia, remorse, and the insatiable need to shower.
(Favorite author) Chuck Palahniuk: TRANSLATION — I am a Dude-Brah. I have man-parts. I eat meat. Grunt.
(Profession) Comedian: TRANSLATION — “Take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place, look a little closer it’s easy to trace”, the track-marks of my intravenous drug use.
Condom Chomper: TRANSLATION — Child, a.k.a. I’ve had a vasectomy and will never reverse it no matter how much you beg.
(Profession) Creative-Marking executive: TRANSLATION — I wrap my car in advertisements for money.
— “D” —
(In pictures I’m wearing) Deck shoes and Drinking “Black & Tan” beer: TRANSLATION — I am a Jagbomb.
(Profile is filled with) Dos Equis Man quotes: TRANSLATION — I’m the Most Uninteresting Man in the World.
Drama-Free zone: TRANSLATION — My last girlfriend shot me with a poisoned dart gun because her virtual Small World cockapoo told her to.
- ‘No Way’: TRANSLATION — Only on special occasions like Christmas, a spaceship shuttle launch, or Tuesdays.
- ‘Occasionally’: TRANSLATION — I am the King of Karaoke
- ‘Regularly’: TRANSLATION — I woke up the other day on a park bench with my bicycle chained to my ankle, spooning a homeless man named Mr. Snuffleupagus.
— “E” —
(Last read) The Economist: TRANSLATION — I believe a highly accommodative Federal Reserve monetary policy is the solution to stimulating job growth, and the last thing I read was “Playboy.”
ESTP: Meyers-Briggs personality type. TRANSLATION — Expecting Stupid Test (gets me in your) Pants
(Profession) Experimental Musician: TRANSLATION– I play the ukulele in a Klezmer-Bauhaus cover band. We are big in Azerbaijan.
— “F” —
(Likes) Face paint and Faygo: TRANSLATION– I’m just a Juggalo.
(Favorite movie) Fight Club: TRANSLATION — No shit Sherlock.
— “G” —
(Last read) Garden & Gun Magazine: TRANSLATION — Last read “Playboy.”
(Likes) Goblin cider (and/or Butter Beer): TRANSLATION — I will want to role play with you
— “H” —
I HATE filling out these things: TRANSLATION — I just want to get laid but the girls on Craigslist personals are all whackadoos whose driver’s licenses have been revoked.
(Profession) Health & Wealth Instructor: TRANSLATION — I flunked out of graduate school. No PHD in psychology? No Problem. I received my Life Coach certification after completing a 5-day intensive online course.
— “I” —
ICP: TRANSLATION — Insane Clown Posse
— “J” —
(Prefers) Jewish women: TRANSLATION — I really, really, really, really hope the rumors are true because I can NOT take another Baptist blue-baller.
— “K” —
Kid at heart: TRANSLATION — Man child
(Have) Kids? NO: TRANSLATION —
- Don’t have kids
- Technically YES but a court-ruled Protective Order ensures my ex-wife has full custody
- Technically NO; my ex-girlfriend is only 5 months along
— “L” —
(Profession) Lighting engineer: TRANSLATION — I do the laser star-fields at Burning Man, man.
LOOKS are not important; it’s a woman’s personality and good nature that matters: TRANSLATION — Not being attractive is a total deal-breaker.
— “M” —
(Favorite movies) The Matrix, When Nietzsche Wept, They Kill Horses Don’t They: TRANSLATION — I’m a philosophy major. Stick with me, and you’ll be flying in Zone 4 Style. (See: “Higher Education”)
MENSA member: TRANSLATION — I memorize SNAPPLE Real Facts. Did you know the average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping? I did.
(Profession) Merchant Marine fisherman: TRANSLATION — I once killed a man just to watch him die.
— “N” —
(Last read) National Geographic: TRANSLATION — I smell of pine, know how to communicate with humpback whales, and the last thing I read was “Playboy.”
— “O” —
Open marriage: TRANSLATION — My wife thinks I spend my Saturdays at Bible Study group
— “P” —
(#1 thing I can’t live without) PBR: TRANSLATION: I should be in AA
(Profession) Pet masseuse: TRANSLATION — I flunked out of veterinary school for selling horse tranquilizers on the black market.
No PICTURE in profile: TRANSLATION — I’m either married or look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Plushopheliast: TRANSLATION — I only have sex while wearing a furry koala costume.
His PROFILE name includes any of the following words:
sex, salami, Mr. Johnson, doggie style, hot beef stick, pound the punanni, God’s gift, funbags, chief, wong4u.
TRANSLATION — His penis is the size of a Gherkin
(Favorite movie) Princess Bride: TRANSLATION — This is actually my ex’s favorite movie, whom I will never get over, and whose beauty and grace will haunt me like the Tell Tale Heart until I gratefully die.
(Profession) Puppeteer: TRANSLATION — I am a control freak
PUSH the limits of my body and mind: TRANSLATION — I am into erotic asphyxiation.
— “R” —
(I enjoy) Rainy days in bookstores: TRANSLATION — I really, really, really need to get laid
(Profession) Repels off tall buildings: TRANSLATION — Skyscraper window cleaner
— “S” —
(I have a) Sarcastic sense of humor that is often misinterpreted: TRANSLATION — I am a complete dick
Separated: TRANSLATION — I am actively seeking a new partner to replace my current girlfriend/wife while SHE is at home needle-pointing me and our pet Yorke matching wool sweaters for winter.
(Profile picture) Shirtless mirror shot with cellphone: TRANSLATION — I’m hoping my rippling abs and bulging biceps detract from the fact that my voice is as high as a pre-pubescent school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
- “No Way”: TRANSLATION — Pot doesn’t count
- “Occasionally“: TRANSLATION — Only when I drink, which is hardly Never.
- “Regularly“: TRANSLATION — I breathe through a hole in my throat
— “V” —
Vegan: TRANSLATION — I am a documentary film maker. I’m always hungry. I think I’ll make a movie about being a hungry vegan.
— “Y” —
(Newest interest) Yoga: TRANSLATION — I’m really hoping to nail this Tantric thing down come winter.