March 21, 2013:
On March 21, the talent-finding gurus at Write Club Atlanta finally came upon the Holy Genius Grail with my biography. So, who do you think should play me in the made-for-TV movie of my life?
October 7, 2012: Deep Thoughts By Me
I saw this quotation spray painted on the side of a train car on the Union Pacific Railway alongside Dekalb Avenue: “Be the person your dog thinks you are.”
I say: “DON’T be the person your cat KNOWS you are.”
Ohio fearless readers and human lap kneaders. My name is Poppycock Artemis Schmute the Third, long for Poopster, Pop Diddy, Biggy Smalls, Papadopoulos, popcorn, pop tart, bubby, boss, monks, money bags, and pfeffernusse. But you may call me Poppycock. I am of the:
- Kingdom: Royal
- Class: Yes, all the time
- Order: New World
- Genus: Genius
- Species: Bling around my collar
I’m a Tonkanese F. Catus, part Siamese part Burmese, all Amazingnese. We are the crème de la crème (mmmm, cream!) of cat breeds. We embody the holy trinity of pet qualities: Affectionate, Loyal, and unlike co-dependent canines, we can entertain ourselves quite sufficiently with a simple trash bag tie and slowly moving sun beam.
Paws down, we’re the most vocal of all cat kinds, which is why I’ve decided to start my own blog. I have a lot to get off my well-proportioned chest and have spent the last two years enrolled an intensive immersion course teaching myself to type in English despite my lack of opposable thumbs. Cats can pretty much do anything people can if they put their minds to it, except be jacktards and peniswrinkles, which seems to be a singularly human trait.
As you can see from my picture, I am absurdly handsome, with all the most enviable features of a top-tier feline: shiny coat, clear, transparent blue eyes, lean body, and perfect Fibonacci whisker to silver-stripe ratio. I can praise my own beauty, because unlike people, cats do not bother themselves with coy gestures of humility. Besides, several strangers and certified veterinary practitioners have said if I were human, I’d look like the child of Paul Newman and Snow White. And believe me, the notion that there are no ugly kitties is pure balderdash. Nip Mouth is a real thing, people! And have you not seen the YouTube Faceless cat?