Nerdy Romantic’s Online Dating Dictionary
(This is a “LIVING” reference guide; meaning, it is ALWAYS open to new submissions.)
— “Numbers” —
(Favorite time of day) 4:20: TRANSLATION — The only jewelry I will ever give you is a pot-smoke-ring.
(Height) 5’5″ & below: TRANSLATION — True to form.(P.S. Peter Dinklage is all manaliciousness!)
5’11”: TRANSLATION — 5’6″ to 5’9″. You’re not fooling anyone
6′ & over: TRANSLATION — Tall glass o’ water.
35 & older male; seeking women between the ages of 18 and 24; no education: TRANSLATION — Strip-Club Owner.
(Income) $150,000 & above, yet on OK Cupid: TRANSLATION — Not denominated in “US” Dollars, but rather in “Zimbabwean” Dollars.
— “A” —
Actor in a lot of “indie” projects: TRANSLATION — In L.A., I worked the Craft Service table on movie sets.
Auto technician: TRANSLATION — Grease monkey
Avante Gartist: TRANSLATION — I use my monthly, mental-health benefit checks to buy macaroni-noodle supplies, etch-a-sketches, and tiny toe-nail clippers to prune the bonsai tree growing out of my bathtub.
— “B” —
(In profile picture) Bushy Gray Beard: Translation — If the guy is neither Kenny Rogers, Santa Claus, or the Gorton Fisherman, then he is definitely trying to hide something beneath his beard; most likely, a second family.
(Looking for a woman who is) Beautiful on the inside and out: TRANSLATION — She must have Donna Reid’s brain and Gisele Bundchen’s body.
(I like) Bipedal forward propulsion: TRANSLATION — I am Rain Man
(Favorite movie) Black Swan: TRANSLATION — Favorite movie: “Wild Things,” which I’m watching right now on my laptop for the 33rd time as I fill this section out on my iPhone.
Brooklyn is my favorite place on the entire planet: TRANSLATION — I lived in Williamsburg for 6 months before the city did to my ‘too-cool-for-school’ attitude what a Dementor does to a wizard’s soul.
— “C” —
Raised Catholic but not religious: TRANSLATION — The guilt rendered after 15 years of Sunday school is burnt so deeply into my subconscious that every second of sexual gratification I feel is forever marred by paranoia, remorse, and the insatiable need to shower.
(Favorite author) Chuck Palahniuk: TRANSLATION — I am a Dude-Brah. I have man-parts. I eat meat. Grunt.
(Profession) Comedian: TRANSLATION — “Take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place, look a little closer it’s easy to trace”, the track-marks of my intravenous drug use.
Condom Chomper: TRANSLATION — Child, a.k.a. I’ve had a vasectomy and will never reverse it no matter how much you beg.
(Profession) Creative-Marking executive: TRANSLATION — I wrap my car in advertisements for money.
— “D” —
(In pictures I’m wearing) Deck shoes and Drinking “Black & Tan” beer: TRANSLATION — I am a Jagbomb.
(Profile is filled with) Dos Equis Man quotes: TRANSLATION — I’m the Most Uninteresting Man in the World.
Drama-Free zone: TRANSLATION — My last girlfriend shot me with a poisoned dart gun because her virtual Small World cockapoo told her to.
- ‘No Way’: TRANSLATION — Only on special occasions like Christmas, a spaceship shuttle launch, or Tuesdays.
- ‘Occasionally’: TRANSLATION — I am the King of Karaoke
- ‘Regularly’: TRANSLATION — I woke up the other day on a park bench with my bicycle chained to my ankle, spooning a homeless man named Mr. Snuffleupagus.
— “E” —
(Last read) The Economist: TRANSLATION — I believe a highly accommodative Federal Reserve monetary policy is the solution to stimulating job growth, and the last thing I read was “Playboy.”
ESTP: Meyers-Briggs personality type. TRANSLATION — Expecting Stupid Test (gets me in your) Pants
(Profession) Experimental Musician: TRANSLATION– I play the ukulele in a Klezmer-Bauhaus cover band. We are big in Azerbaijan.
— “F” —
(Likes) Face paint and Faygo: TRANSLATION– I’m just a Juggalo.
(Favorite movie) Fight Club: TRANSLATION — No shit Sherlock.
— “G” —
(Last read) Garden & Gun Magazine: TRANSLATION — Last read “Playboy.”
(Likes) Goblin cider (and/or Butter Beer): TRANSLATION — I will want to role play with you
— “H” —
I HATE filling out these things: TRANSLATION — I just want to get laid but the girls on Craigslist personals are all whackadoos whose driver’s licenses have been revoked.
(Profession) Health & Wealth Instructor: TRANSLATION — I flunked out of graduate school. No PHD in psychology? No Problem. I received my Life Coach certification after completing a 5-day intensive online course.
— “I” —
ICP: TRANSLATION — Insane Clown Posse
— “J” —
(Prefers) Jewish women: TRANSLATION — I really, really, really, really hope the rumors are true because I can NOT take another Baptist blue-baller.
— “K” —
Kid at heart: TRANSLATION — Man child
(Have) Kids? NO: TRANSLATION —
- Don’t have kids
- Technically YES but a court-ruled Protective Order ensures my ex-wife has full custody
- Technically NO; my ex-girlfriend is only 5 months along
— “L” —
(Profession) Lighting engineer: TRANSLATION — I do the laser star-fields at Burning Man, man.
LOOKS are not important; it’s a woman’s personality and good nature that matters: TRANSLATION — Not being attractive is a total deal-breaker.
— “M” —
MENSA member: TRANSLATION — I memorize SNAPPLE Real Facts. Did you know the average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping? I did.
(Profession) Merchant Marine fisherman: TRANSLATION — I once killed a man just to watch him die.
— “N” —
(Last read) National Geographic: TRANSLATION — I smell of pine, know how to communicate with humpback whales, and the last thing I read was “Playboy.”
— “O” —
Open marriage: TRANSLATION — My wife thinks I spend my Saturdays at Bible Study group
— “P” —
(#1 thing I can’t live without) PBR: TRANSLATION: I should be in AA
(Profession) Pet masseuse: TRANSLATION — I flunked out of veterinary school for selling horse tranquilizers on the black market.
No PICTURE in profile: TRANSLATION — I’m either married or look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Plushopheliast: TRANSLATION — I only have sex while wearing a furry koala costume.
His PROFILE name includes any of the following words:
sex, salami, Mr. Johnson, doggie style, hot beef stick, pound the punanni, God’s gift, funbags, chief, wong4u.
TRANSLATION — His penis is the size of a Gherkin
(Favorite movie) Princess Bride: TRANSLATION — This is actually my ex’s favorite movie, whom I will never get over, and whose beauty and grace will haunt me like the Tell Tale Heart until I gratefully die.
(Profession) Puppeteer: TRANSLATION — I am a control freak
PUSH the limits of my body and mind: TRANSLATION — I am into erotic asphyxiation.
— “R” —
(I enjoy) Rainy days in bookstores: TRANSLATION — I really, really, really need to get laid
(Profession) Repels off tall buildings: TRANSLATION — Skyscraper window cleaner
— “S” —
(I have a) Sarcastic sense of humor that is often misinterpreted: TRANSLATION — I am a complete dick
Separated: TRANSLATION — I am actively seeking a new partner to replace my current girlfriend/wife while SHE is at home needle-pointing me and our pet Yorke matching wool sweaters for winter.
(Profile picture) Shirtless mirror shot with cellphone: TRANSLATION — I’m hoping my rippling abs and bulging biceps detract from the fact that my voice is as high as a pre-pubescent school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
- “No Way”: TRANSLATION — Pot doesn’t count
- “Occasionally“: TRANSLATION — Only when I drink, which is hardly Never.
- “Regularly“: TRANSLATION — I breathe through a hole in my throat
— “V” —
Vegan: TRANSLATION — I am a documentary film maker. I’m always hungry. I think I’ll make a movie about being a hungry vegan.
— “Y” —
(Newest interest) Yoga: TRANSLATION — I’m really hoping to nail this Tantric thing down come winter.