Author Archives: nerdromnico

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About nerdromnico

Online dating advice blogologist at http://nerdyromantic.com. Bloganberry pie maker and general wordsmith.

Dumbroll, Please!

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When I first jumped down this crazy rabbit hole called online dating, a close girlfriend who had a good 5 months running start ahead of me offered this shiny gem of wisdom for the coming journey:

“Guys do NOT like a clever girl. Don’t be the one to initiate contact. Wait for them to “wink” or email. Then, play dumb until you actually seal a date.”

Hearing this from her – a drop-dead gorgeous, double PHD grad student in anthropology and medicine – was not “like” the Mad Hatter spouting jabberwocky gibberish to Alice. It was exactly that. I rejected her advice on moral principle, and ventured into the digital wonderland alone, determined to fight off an army of suitors taken in by my pun-tastic, “CLEVER” self.

ONE-plus year into this, I’m beginning to think my burbled jubjub friend was onto something.

The proof, as they say, is in the single, JELL-O pudding cup Saturday night watching “Dawson’s Creek” reruns.

Also, the first set of emails below — ones that fall into the (alleged) “clever” category — are actual messages I sent to match.com guys that received NO, nil, nada response:

1. To guy who says he like “haiku’s” in his profile. I write:

             “Strike a match-dot-com/

             Hark, my baggy pantaloons/

             Stop, drop, rock AND roll.”

             Nico

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2. To nature guy who likes camping and sleeping under the stars, I write:

 “Up here in a friend’s North GA-cabin and I just saw a tailless squirrel! Do you think the ghost of Daniel Boone needed a new hat? Or maybe the critter brought a nut to a knife fight. Any thoughts?”

Nico

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3. To high school grammar teacher:

“I’d like to see your dangling participle.”

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4. To random guy who popped up in my Daily recommendations:

 “I think we might have a lot in common. I too enjoy the ‘little things in life.’ Flea circuses, pet sea-monkeys, anti-matter.”

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5. To hipster-looking dude with mustache:

 “I’m curious. It’s a warm, sunny afternoon. Do you prefer to:

a.      Ride your bike to the farmers market and enjoy a hearty lunch in the park.

b.      Stay inside your cold studio and watch “Death Bed, the Bed that Eats.”

c.    Climb to the top of a weather tower to gather evidence as to why ‘global warming’ is actually the result of covert, Soviet climate controlled experiments.”

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6. To guy who said he’s “fresh off the Quaker commune”  I write:

 “So, now that you live in the big city, how are you adjusting to life with electricity and pre-shucked corn?”

 Nico

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7. To other random guy who popped up in my Daily recommendations:

 “I think we might get along. You wrote that you’re looking for a woman who’s ‘beauty will bring you to your knees.’ And well, I’m a midget.”

 AND NOW — the next list includes those emails I sent 1 – only AFTER receiving a wink or message, and 2 -that got an immediate response and invitation to go out from the guy:

  1. Hey. I like your pecks. You look like you could lift a Porsche over your head with just your mind.
  2. Hey, the new Bourne movie is sooooo rad! You look rad too.
  3. Hey, I like your bathroom mirror shot. It really captures your angular jaw line.
  4. Hey, I’m a former nun just released from the convent in search of a new God to worship.
  5. Hey, since when did Ryan Gosling have a younger, hotter brother?
  6. Hey, are you a terrorist because those are some serious weapons of mass destruction.
  7. Hey, I have a really low tolerance for alcohol.

There is no moral to this story. There is only amoral.

The Meetup that spawned a revolution… or, not

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Enough was enough. My fear of choking to death all alone in my apartment — only to be found 9 days later after my cat had eaten my face off and the stench of my decomposing body finally forces my next-door neighbor to call 911 — had reached a point where I started cutting my food into tiny, baby-sized bites.

poppycock the cat

Tastes Like Chicken!

I owed it to myself and all social retards like me to create a safe place to come together and revel in all the dorky entertainment we could find. So, I crawled out of my hermit shell and organized the “Nerdy Romantics” Meetup. Here is the survey for qualifying members:

If you can answer YES to the following questions, this Meet Up is for you:

1. Are you single or single-ish (i.e. still claim ‘0’ dependents on your W4) WHILE all of your closest friends have either joined the rat race, moved away, gotten married, and/or squeezed out a litter of rugrats — SO that on the off chance you do, in fact, get together, their minds are preoccupied by thoughts of breast pumps and butt paste AND not the new, hip farm-to-table bistro?

2. Are you newish to the city and find that your coworkers or classmates are not people you’d want to meet in a dark alley behind a convenient store — all the while, the already established circle of friends are about as easy to penetrate as the Heathers?

3. Have you tried event planning sites but find most of them host activities far outside the city and at peak traffic hours during the weekdays?

4. Has your Match Dot-Com Bubble burst?

5. Are you somebody who doesn’t mind going out to a movie or dinner alone, but is finding it harder and harder to appreciate other interests without the company of others? Examples:

  • You can’t feasibly run a three-legged race with your shin tied to a crash-test dummy.
  • Going white-water rafting with just yourself makes for a death-defying uneven weight distribution.
  • And finally, nothing is sadder than getting stuck in mid-air after trying to ride a see-saw solo. Take it from me!

6. Are you someone who prefers backyard bocce ball games to smoke-filled bars – AND — picking apples in North Georgia to picking off squirrels with your sawed off shotgun?

7. Have your past four weekends included watching re-runs of Downton Abbey in search of rare, historically inaccurate idioms?

8. Are you one “Teach Yourself to Crochet” You Tube video away from eating cat food out of the can and reviving your old Angus Macgyver Fan Club?

9. Do you go on “The” Facebook primarily to play Scrabble? Do you still wear “Sneakers”? And, did you use the phrase “Bob’s your uncle” recently in casual conversation?

10. Are you tired of coming to the realization that cutting your cookbook recipes down to accommodate ONE single serving turns Rachel Ray’s tuna casserole into a baboon’s ASS-erole?baboon ass

In less than 2 months, Nerd Rom’s have grown to 225 members. Yet, in the 2 events I actually organized, only 1 other person actually attended, and that was my already-existing friend, who I bribed with free cookies to go.