If you wanna be my Lover, you gotta get with my Friends — or do you? (Take 2)

(Continued from “Lover” (Take 1) )

All personal anecdotal dysfunction aside, it’s totally natural to be protective of a brand-new relationship. In the beginning, they’re like the perfect Cosby sweater: snugly, soft, not-wooly or itchy, and miraculously comfortable for ALL seasons including summer.

bill cosby sweaterIn the beginning, it’s just you and him. Sitting on the head of your newly hatched union keeping it safe and warm, and feeding it regurgitated worms out of your strong beak. You don’t want to push it out of the nest too soon, lest it be swooped up in the razor-sharp talons of a passing vulture.

vulture

Going public: It means you no longer see him through your eyes only. There’s now a whole new set of piercing peering pupils that can spot all the red flags you were previously blind to in your incubation:

  • The track marks on his arm
  • The uncanny resemblance to a high school classmate your friend knew, only back then HE was a she dating the captain of the football team.
  • The fact that he followed your other friend to the bathroom and asked her if she wanted to grab drinks sometime.

Then there’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: i.e. his personality completely changes in social situations. Or, parts of his character as yet unknown to you are now revealed: For example:

Your friends bring up politics — a subject you 2 had yet to tap what with all the other “tapping”  going on — AND he with straight face says something like,

“It doesn’t matter who wins the 2012 Presidential election because in a year, I’ll be happily living on the moon as part of Newt Gingrich’s lunar colony.”

Okay. So there’s a lot at stake here. But in the end, you have to ask yourself:

If a relationship exists in the holed-up sex den, and no one is around to hear it, does it really exist? Historically speaking, couples that subsist in isolation don’t end happily:

Adam and Eve, the Mosquito Coast, Open Water

So, I’ve created a checklist for newlybeds. Once you can cross off all the milestones, you are READY to make your grand debut as a couple:

  1. Had 2 home-cooked meals and 1 Sunday brunch
  2. You’ve had “the talk” — thus establishing that you are no longer ACTIVE on your online dating accounts and/or have changed your Facebook relationship status to (at least) “spoken for.”
  3. He’s left at least 2 legitimate belongings at your house.
  4. You’ve gone shopping for food, and NOT in a regular grocery store; At a Farmer’s Market!
  5. When he’s on the phone with you and a friend/workmate interrupts him, he says to them: “Yes. I’m talking to herrrr! Shut up!!! You’re sooo stupid.” — VERSUS — He says to You: “Hey Bra. I gotta bounce.”
  6. When you go shopping on your own, you find yourself wandering into the men section and playing “Dress-A-Doll” in your head:  He = doll; clothes = paper outfits.
  7. When you talk about him, the pitch of your voice causes coyotes to hold their ears.
  8. You’ve called in “sick” at least 1 time to play hooky with him.
  9. If he lives in a gated apartment complex, he has given you the security code — VERSUS — he meets you at the door each time and lets you in.
  10. He knows where you keep your bottle opener AND can pretty much find his way around your kitchen
  11. (Courtesy of theirreverentcouponer) — You’ve had sex at least 10 times.
  12. You’ve had sex in at least 1 other position besides missionary
  13. You have your own personal Mii avatar on his Wii bowling players menu
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